Visitor: Why do you have a passport photo of yourself on the wall?

Me: ‘Cause I put it there.

Visitor: Why do you have googly eyes on so many things?

Me: ‘Cause I live by myself. It’s nice to have company.

Visitor: Why do you have a garden trolley full of comic books in the living room?

Me: ‘Cause I used to have a market stall. OBVS!

Visitor: Why is there a tiny staircase in the bathroom?

Me: I didn’t build the place!!!

Visitor: Why do you have a night light in your room?

Me: I’m scared of the dark, FFS!! What?

Visitor: Why do you have a tuba in a backpack?

Me: People always acting like they’ve never seen a bitch carrying a tuba in a backpack!! JEEZ!

Visitor: Do you use that cross trainer?

Me: GET OUT!!