Here I sit

Struggling to find words to convey the intensity of feeling and thought encompassing all of the different parts of my body and mind at each different moment of any given day

Complex juxtaposition is commonplace, it comforts me

The torture from loathing within, well, that unsettles me, of course

But I work at taming that beast, my monster that grows evermore every second

We have come to an understanding

If she remains unseen, then, within me, she can infinitely consume

And she devours every piece of me and regurgitates the parts you see

The parts I struggle to hold together, but strengthen with each sickening wretch

Understanding that there is no such, but willing and trying

Crying and dying but living fiercely

Calm and still, yet ablaze inside

I let her cry out a deafening roar sometimes, in hope

Anxious and weak when the beast is free

Sick to my stomach

Pathetic and feeble

Repulsive beast

So I don my armour and battle the blazing monster til my body is weak and my mind wretched

To victory

Wiping the residue from the faces of those unfortunate enough to bear witness to her

She finds peace watching as they walk away into the sunset

To their happy ever after

I wave in the dark

The light is so beautiful and I see it, we both do, so we watch a while together at peace

Light fades to black

Bad things happen in the darkness of all places

Of all places

 

By Celia Morgan