Sometimes I’m just not in the mood, alright. Is that ok? I’m not “on” today, I’m off. I don’t want to talk to you, but I want you to try and want me to respond, but I won’t because my mind is bleak. Is that okay? K. Great.

And it’s funny how you only hear me when I say nothing. I have to get to this to get some time. Those precious nuggets of time that you give away so infrequently, despite them being so easy to give. Easy for me, I say, because I want them. Not easy for you because you don’t want me. So let me go. No? Well let’s keep doing this then. But that means I’m going to be miserable sometimes.

A person’s worth can be measured by the friends they keep. But what if they don’t keep me? I grasp and I cling to the occasional glance in my direction. Gone as quick as it came, leaving me squinting to see you. Is it you? We know each other, I think. Or we used to, at least. Perhaps we never did.

The undiscovered unknowns that keep my head above the water are beautiful to me. Mirages on the sea’s horizon, but beautiful nonetheless. They tell me stories of what might be, what could have been, what never was and what never will be. Whole body treading fiercely underwater while my head bobs in time with the tide. Looking at wonder and mystery. There are moments when wonder looks back at me directly. Charged positive to my negative, leaving us eternally neutral. But negative hopes. Negative dreams. Negative wishes. Hope eternal.

So peace with oneself is all that’s left, but there’s no such thing to an overactive mind. So dumb the mind. Drink, drink, drink and be merry. Drink, drink, drink and don’t think. Drink to laugh, drink to forget, drink to sleep, never to wake. But we always wake from the drink. Wake to despair. Wake and repair the damage of the drunk.

So what then? Keep treading fiercely til you die. See some things. Love some things. Remember those things and learn. Always learn. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to float. Maybe one day eyes will open to me. Maybe one day I’ll care not and rest in peace.

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