This piece consists of me on the tuba and vocals, accompanied by a looped drum track. (Lyrics/words beneath audio)
Ain’t it just the worst thing reminiscing on moments of warm light
When you felt like you really mattered
A temperate swell rises up from the pit of your stomach, stopping off to fill up your heart, ‘til it reaches its destination ever so slightly rouging your cheeks
And you wonder, at the time, why? Why me?
I’m not talking about love, I guess I’m talking about purpose and meaning
Like, what it is that you are feeling is known and it’s important
All warm, like
For a glimmer there was a reason for you
And I say it’s the worst because the retrospective realisation of that moment in its entirety reveals that it was never you that mattered
Not what you felt
You are and were just a small part of a bigger truth
Yet it meant everything to you at that time
Just that feeling, you know
An all-encompassing warmth
And I can’t now turn out that light or decided whether indeed I should
It doesn’t do me any good to hold on to false memories, but the feeling in me was real, that warmth
It’s the light that I wanna see my life by
I struggle with that though, because, you know, it’s the worst, ain’t it?
But who I am to try to destroy the mycorrhizal network of hope that feeds my human existence
I am a nothing part of everything
Fully assimilated into the system of desire and need
I want what you want
And have not what you take for granted
But granted, I try as a live and die in equal measure
Softening the harshness with gentle highs
A necessary dulling of my feverish resistance to the network
Don’t struggle, they say
Everyone will grow within the system that feeds us
On the inside, right
With or without will
But in my heart and in my mind I’m ever seeking out that light
The gentle warm light
It’s the worst, right
