I’m still really confused by social media sites. I mean, I get it, in that I know how to use them, but the way in which other people use them leaves me like, “Whot?”
There are people I know and love personally, but I also hate now. I hate them. I still love one of their personalities, but that second personality that does all of their internet talking and pic uploading can take a jump.
Is it that vanity’s cool now? Did I miss that memo? If I have to see one more exaggerated pout face, I’m gonna punch myself in the mouth because I just hate mouths now. Where did that even come from, that pouting thing? How much respect for yourself can you really have if you feel that you have to push your lips out far every time someone takes your photograph because, what, it makes you look prettier? It’s maddening to me.
I wonder if fishes feel really sexy right now? Like, if a fish went online it would be all, “Yesss, this look is finally in! My lips. My fish lips are en vogue. Yess!!” And then the sharks would be all, “Lips? What the hell, I don’t have any lips! Dammit! Maybe I could stick some octopus legs around my mouth, like luscious lips. Oh, wait, no, fuck it. I’mma eat them damn fishes instead. Nom, nom, big lipped stupid fish, nom, nom.”
What gets to me more than the pouters and the I-love-myselfies, are the enablers who sit there all day liking and commenting on that shit! Why do it? If you stop, they’ll stop and we can all just deal with normal sized, real world egos again. Please stop. Why do you do it? Are you lonely? I’m lonely sometimes too. It’s OK. Maybe you could strike up a conversation with someone instead. There’s always someone there waiting. Waiting for you to reach out to them, maybe. Forget about lippy pouty, they’re too vein or insecure to care about you anyway. You’re just a number beneath a photo. Just some fan they string along for the adoration. They probably don’t even like you. When was the last time they spoke to you? Can’t remember, huh? Go reach out to someone who’ll appreciate you, who actually likes people. Be kind to the nice people.
I find twitter pretty weird too. Admittedly, I’ve only really just started to use it, but is it basically about getting lots of followers so you look, what, popular? Shouldn’t it be about connecting with likeminded people, or is that a real Grandma thing to say? The amount of people that follow me, wait a couple of days for me to follow them back and then unfollow me is ridiculous. It happens to me pretty much daily. I don’t get it. Why unfollow? It hurts my feelings, guys. What did I say in those two days that made you come back and ditch me? Did you get to know me and then decide you don’t like me? What’s wrong with me? I’m a nice person, right? I’m nice, dammit, I’m nice! Funny sometimes.
Then the people who tweet to celebrities or post on their pages like it’s their friend from work, or someone they went to school with, or drinking buddy from the local… You do know that you don’t know them, right? I mean, interacting is cool, but the pretending like you totally know someone enough to chat… Does anyone else find that creepy? It is creepy. Like vultures, swooping in and trying to make someone else’s life a part of their own. Some stranger they’ve never met yet feel they know enough to chit-chat with! Not even a, “Hi, I’m a fan I think you’re cool,” but actual chit-chat. “Bitch, that shit you said on Oprah, didn’t I tell you not to go there? I totally told you!” Even though I don’t KNOW you. So weird to me.
I must thank twitter, though, for bringing that photo of Jaden Smith wearing a white Batman suit to Kim and Kanye’s wedding into my life. Thank you, twitter. (And my partner for telling me to go look.) That is one creepy fellow. He Writes Every Sentence in Title Case. Why? And he only follows two people. Go look at those two people.
OK, so I admit it, I do like social media, it’s fun, but I guess I just don’t like a lot of people!