Boobs!

boobs

I’ve always been a bit on the fence about whether having a big pair is a blessing or a curse, so here I shall weigh up the two buoyant arguments and try to finally come to a decision. (This is that serious stuff!)

Blessings

1. You can balance your cereal bowl on them when sleepily eating breakfast

Not just breakfast either, they’re pretty good for any kind of lazy eating when you’re not sat to a table but your lap feels a bit too far away. Tit table also helps eliminate food stains down your top because the bowl is so close to your chin, you can catch any spillage and eat it right up! It’s a winner.

2. The bigger the boobs, the smaller your tummy looks

When your rack sticks out really far, your clothes totally hang from them, like a ledge, allowing any belly rolls to hide under the overhang. Sweet. It doesn’t work with slim fitting tops, but if you have belly rolls that need hiding, you don’t have slim fitting tops.

4. They’re great for baby naps

Got a crying baby that just won’t get off to sleep? No bother, hand the kid over. The little munchkins just love a big pair. Think of it this way, would you rather take a nap on a small hard wooden chair, or a big cushiony soft one?

3. You can (kind of) hold things with them

Imagine the scene – you’re in the shower, you don’t have a handy caddy or shelf to put things on so you keep dropping stuff and it’s really annoying. Well, never fear, big boobed friends, you can totally hold stuff with your milk pouches. Without going into too much detail on this one, just think of when you carry, say, a newspaper under your arm. (Hehee!)

5. Sometimes you get to know what it’s like to be flat chested…

..when you lie on your back with no bra and your boobs slink down to your arm pits. That’s kinda funny, right?!

6. Men like them

Curses

1. Men like them

2. They spill drinks

If I had a pound for every time I’ve reached across a table for the salt and my boob has slapped a drink on its side, I’d have a few extra quid in my pocket right now.

3. “Accidental” boob brush is annoyingggg!

I know sometimes it actually is an accident, but don’t be fooled into thinking that we don’t know when it’s being done on purpose. Just this morning, for example, while getting off the bus, the man in front of me was taking his sweet time, holding onto the rail for longer than is necessary as I’m herded ever closer to him by the people behind and, oops, he “accidentally” handles my titty as he finally lets go and gets off the bus. You could have let go AGES ago, guy. Leave my tit out of it! Dick.

4. Having to buy bigger dress sizes

Clothes shopping for the non-skinny, which, these days, means anyone over a size 12, can sometimes be pretty painful. I appreciate that the clothes have to be displayed in some kind of order, but why do us big girls have to dig all up in the back of the rack? We’re already bashful shoppers, why you gotta put us through all that burrowing, looking like we’ve just spotted a sandwich back there? Once you’ve battled the gauntlet of shame and are lucky enough to actually find the right size, it’s a real pain in the ass when everything fits perfectly apart from your boobs popping buttons off or stretching the thing see-through. Humph.

5. Finding well fitting bras

Is there such a thing? You can try on the exact same bra size, but in different designs and go from tits under your chin to tucking them into your jeans or too much cleavage to a valley between them wide enough to rival Napa – it’s no joke! And for those bashful women among us, a “minimiser” bra does not minimise, it flattens and spreads. What is a girl to do?

I don’t know.

These are currently my biggest boob gripes, so it seems that the blessings outweigh the curses and I really should be grateful for what I’ve got. Should be.

I can’t help but feel that I will forever be at odds with my big old stupid jugs.

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